“Enjoy ‘em now, because they’ll drive you crazy when they’re teenagers!” That’s the warning parents of pre-teens often hear. The implication: the teen years will be excruciatingly, unavoidably rough for everyone concerned. Obviously you and your pre-teen are in for a lot of change, but turmoil does not have to be the new norm. You have the opportunity—before the cataclysmic transition begins—to intentionally navigate your son or daughter through that change in a proactive and positive way. God will, for those who seek Him, use this time of transition to mold and shape your coming teenager into a godly young man or woman. He will also use this time of transition to further teach you and mold you into His image as well.
The best way to prepare your child for adolescence is for you to set the stage— for a mom and her daughter or a father and his son or a single parent and either sex to spend time together dedicated to giving their pre-adolescent the framework for what’s coming. The best hope for a good outcome is when you—the parent—are the one to explain what it means and how to make the most of this vital time in life. Remember, research shows that the parental relationship is by far the most influential relationship in their child’s life. Now is the time for you to embrace that fact. Here’s a quick guide to the when, what, and how of that time together:
Often parents are concerned that they will overwhelm their pre-teen or encourage premature curiosity if they jump the gun in preparing them for adolescence. A greater concern, however, is the likelihood that someone else will beat you to it. Children are typically ready before their parents are. Doctors report puberty starting as early as age 9 among some girls, and the average age for first exposure to pornography among boys is around the same age. Of course, not all children are the same. That’s why it’s important to spend time with your pre-teen getting a sense of where they are developmentally and to make the timing of your conversations a matter of prayer. Generally, your prime opportunity will fall somewhere between the ages of 9 and 12.
In your conversation about the years ahead, you should plan to address the many areas of change your son or daughter will encounter during their transition to adulthood – in their body, their decision-making, and their relationship with you.
- Body: It’s important to clearly frame up two major things in this area for your adolescent. First, your adolescent needs clarity concerning the many physical changes that lie ahead. Second, your adolescent needs a clear understanding of why sexual abstinence is God’s plan for them. Your son or daughter needs a vision for how the internal and external changes ahead are preparing them for the joys of marriage and the miracle of creating new life. Not only this, but they need to understand that the bodily changes and new desires that they will begin experiencing are God-given. While they are commanded by God to wait for marriage before having sex, abstinence is a tool God can, and will use to teach them self-control and self-discipline here and now if they seek Him.
- Decision-making: Increasingly, your child will have to make and assume the responsibilities for his or her decisions. As you maintain your overall family values in media choices, individual responsibilities (chores, homework, etc.), and alcohol/drug use, you also need to direct your son or daughter in how to make good decisions for themselves. The first nine chapters of the book of Proverbs can be a helpful guide for teens learning to discern between wisdom and folly.
- Relationship to you: Helping your son or daughter understand and embrace the changes in his or her body while challenging them to bear the responsibility of decision making will be different from the role you’ve played before. Instead of communicating like a teacher who teaches the right answer, you should explain to your pre-teen that over the next decade your role will be progressively changing to that of a coach who is there to guide them in their transition into independent development. The tension between your teen striving for independence from you and the need that they have for clear, healthy boundaries is real. There is a balance that you as a parent must find, and you must seek wisdom from the Lord in order to find it.
So what’s the best way to talk about this with your child? Fortunately, there are several great tools available for parents looking for recommendations on how to be intentional and effective in their efforts. (See “Going Further” suggestions.)
Recommended Books -Available from the Faith @ Home Center
Preparing for Adolescence (by Dr. James Dobson) is the classic Christian resource for this transition.
Raising a Modern Day Knight (by Robert Lewis) focuses on fathers preparing their sons for manhood.
Passport to Purity (by Dennis and Barbara Rainey) provides tools for a meaningful getaway in which parents discuss puberty, sex, and other “preparing for adolescence” issues with a son or daughter.
Going Further – Church Support
Faith Path: Preparing for Adolescence: This free kit is available for download or pick-up from the campus Faith @ Home Center. It includes a special audio resource called “The Talk” and other tools to help you discuss emerging changes with your pre-adolescent child. Go to rbclake.org/faithpath
Life Group Ministry: Authentic Christian community and mentoring is available through Riverview’s Life Group ministry. Contact our Life Groups pastor Michael Beene at [email protected] for more info.
Pastoral Counseling: Pastors are available to counsel those who would like more Godly wisdom on this issue. Please call the church office for more info: 573-348-3515